What You're Allowed to Talk in Facebook and What You're Not + Something About Finnish Social Culture

I read today a Finnish article about "unpublished research" that says, that Facebook makes people narcissistic because "they write 'too much' about themselves in FB" and because "they tell so much good things about their life and their personality".

At first. Narcissistic personality disorder is a serious mental disorder that you don't just suddenly get because you used Facebook. It's something that you grow to be since early childhood. Using the term has become a dangerous fashion phenomena - it's a term for everyone one considers as an asshole. Everybody who doesn't please you is narcissistic.

--If you want to read only the FB subject, skip this part until the subheading--

The real experts of psychology and psychiatry define healthy self-esteem somewhat like this: "A person who is able to recognize their good sides, know them and appreciate them. They recognize their not-so-good sides too, but they don't worry those sides too much, but instead accepts them as part of who they are. They know nobody is perfect, and don't try to be either." The description could be continued much more.

However, in Finland there's a strong culture, that if you are a happy person with healthy self-esteem and enjoy your life, you are not allowed to show it public, because those who are not happy or satisfied with their lives (which seems to be most of Finnish people), will feel envy. In a case you were a happy and satisfied to your life, you must pretend you're not, otherwise you're a selfish person. Saying aloud things like "I'm happy about my life" or "I'm talented at writing" are something that you're just not allowed to say in Finland. Instead it's acceptable and even almost recommended to count publicly all the bad things about your life or say "I'm so bad writer, I will never success in my dreams", even if you weren't bad in anybody's opinion.

I know how many of you not-Finnish readers must feel or react to this. It's absurd that the society encourages people to insecurity instead of courage. Then they wonder why so many teenagers, adults and even way too many 60+ people make suicides. We're never teach to appreciate the things we do have. I had to go to therapist twice a week for 9 years and actually _learn_ how to be happy about myself and my life, and appreciate the things I have. And when I finally did gain healthy self-esteem, the society started to push me to go back to my bad self-esteem, because my happiness and self-confidence was found arrogant and selfish. Thankfully, part of healthy self-esteem is to not let those things effect to your self-esteem. :)

But this atmosphere of insecurity is the main reason why I find some other cultures much more easy to relate to. Those cultures where smiling to strangers doesn't make you a freak or an asshole, but a normal nice person. Where you can kiss even new acquaintances on a cheek without getting a charge of sexual harassment. Where you can say aloud "I'm so happy today because my life is going well, as I have the greatest friends and family, and I believe in myself and my future" without being counted as a selfish peron, or "Hey, I like you, you're an interesting person and even though we don't know well, I feel this connection to you and would like to know you better" without being counted as trying to hit on the person you tell this. I really miss this side about Mexico.

Back to the original subject

Well, this wasn't exactly what I was originally planning to write this much about. xD What I was planning to write about was how usual it has become that people think they have the right to say what other people are allowed to write in Facebook. This concerns all people, not only Finns.

Many people say that it's not ok to talk about your children or pets in FB because they hate children or pets. Some people say that you're not allowed to write about any little things about your everyday life because they find it useless and boring. For example, "I can't wait to the thing I ordered to come to my post office, I'm so excited!" Other people instead say that you're not allowed to write anything deep ("Today I remembered what really is important in the life. I feel so happy.") or speak out about current things happening in the world, for example lately the Pussy Riot situation.

It amazes me how people seriously think they have the right to limit what someone says. Imagine this in real world. Matt and Mary go for a coffee together.
MATT: How are you?
MARY: Well, not too well, I had to take my dog to vet yesterday because...
MATT: Stop!! You're not allowed to talk about pets! Change the subject!
MARY: Well, otherwise mostly I've been at home with Jack. He goes back to day care center next...
MATT: You're not allowed to talk about your child!! I don't like it! You must talk about something I want you to talk about.

If there's someone whose things you don't want to read about, then why the f**k do you have them as a FB friend? If you can't tolerate anything outside your personal interests, then you have serious issues. I personally dislike baby subjects, but it would never come to my mind to go to say to a mother that she's not allowed to talk about her child. No matter how much I disliked children, it doesn't give me the right to deny her from telling about the most important little person of her life. What kind of asshole would I be, huh? The world doesn't go around mine or anybody else's belly button.

So, if you dislike their subjects, delete the person. It's just that simple. I've had three times the situation, that I found my FB friend to be really strongly racist and homophobe. I know I could never feel that kind of a person as a friend in my real life, so why to keep them in FB, as their comments bother me? I simply deleted them. Two of them were sending me hateful private messages after that, but it just made me more sure about them. Why would an openly homophobic person want to "sincerely" be friends with me, a lesbian? And why would I want to have such person allowed to read my profile? I wouldn't tell those people about my life IRL either, why would I allow them to read my profile?

That example is of course quite different as someone who just doesn't like "deep thoughts" or babies. But still, ask it: if you really feel bothered by somebody's interests and life, why do you want to be FB friends with them? Would you be friend with this person IRL? Instead of whining to them and trying to control their freedom of speech, just delete them and the problem is solved. I'm sure it'll be a win-win situation for both of you.

Letters of My Life: C is for Consciousness

Consciousness. The word which can be understood in so many ways. To me the most important meaning for this word is consciousness about what's going on in my own mind. However, without excluding any other meanings of Consciousness, whether it was spiritual, social, rational, or any other.

Consciousness of my own mind has played an extremely important role in my life. Most of that hasn't been nice. Actually at worst it can be even haunting and horrible to become conscious about certain things of yourself, especially the darkest sides. (Yes, everybody without exceptions has them, it's all about being aware of them.) As I used to go to therapy for years and though the few first years were horrible (yet extremely self-educating), I became kinda addicted to keep myself conscious about all the things that goes inside my mind - liked them or not.

To give you an example: When I started to realize in the start of my relationship with Chris that I was an extremely (unhealthy) jealous person, it was really hard for me to accept. Who'd want to admit something like "I'm sickly jealous person who makes my girlfriend feel bad and untrustworthy - and I must stop, instead of putting pressure on her"? Denying it was an easy and more pleasant way at starting. But as I became more and more "the jealous girlfriend monster", I realized our relationship was at stake if I didn't figure out what's the thing causing my jealousy and work hard to change it.

It was extremely difficult for me to deal with it especially because my greatest vice is Pride. It's not easy for me to admit I'm wrong even if it was obvious that I was. However, my personal Pride was less important  than my love for Chris. So I kicked my ass. Hard. I found out that behind of my jealousy there was my great lack of trust towards all people in general, therefore including Chris. And the lack of trust towards other people was actually deeply connected with my lack of trusting to myself.

Well, it's a long story about how I managed it, but it took about a year of active conscious self-searching and concrete practice when I was finally free. Yes, I use the word free because only after I sincerely stopped feeling jealous, I realized how much I had wasted energy on pessimistic and passive-aggressive way of thinking. The quality of my life got way better, and the happiness has increased x10.

Though I won't spend hours writing about how I did it, I can tell that in the end all the things I learned can be crystallized in these sentences: "I have no rational reasons to doubt her loyalty. And if she'd still end up cheating me, it'd be her loss, as it'd just reveal me that I was too good for her. Then, I'd only be free to continue searching for someone much better."

It takes a lot to learn to really believe in sentences like that, if you used to be a person who didn't trust really anyone. Knowing that isn't enough, but you honestly have to believe in it too. Otherwise it could at worst become only a tool you use to blackmail your partners, and inside you'd be just as dark, anxious and insecure as always before.

Sometimes we still talk with Chris about how I used to be, and we've both been so happy about my change. It's difficult to believe that I really used to be like that. Like it was someone else. Sometimes I even feel a little bit weird about the fact that nowadays I feel no jealousy at all. Like. Never. Swear it through my own life. Always remember: the fact is, that in the end the greatest thing that drives a lover to cheat is the lack of trust by their other half. Being jealous is like pushing your loved one away.

That was only one example of the hundreds times when my will of being self-conscious has helped me. Such succesfull experiences when repeated, make you easily kinda addicted for consciousness. It's a long lasting drug-alike euphoric feeling, when you finally beat the monster that was haunting you for years - or even your whole life - until that beautiful day when you realize that you're free.