What You're Allowed to Talk in Facebook and What You're Not + Something About Finnish Social Culture

I read today a Finnish article about "unpublished research" that says, that Facebook makes people narcissistic because "they write 'too much' about themselves in FB" and because "they tell so much good things about their life and their personality".

At first. Narcissistic personality disorder is a serious mental disorder that you don't just suddenly get because you used Facebook. It's something that you grow to be since early childhood. Using the term has become a dangerous fashion phenomena - it's a term for everyone one considers as an asshole. Everybody who doesn't please you is narcissistic.

--If you want to read only the FB subject, skip this part until the subheading--

The real experts of psychology and psychiatry define healthy self-esteem somewhat like this: "A person who is able to recognize their good sides, know them and appreciate them. They recognize their not-so-good sides too, but they don't worry those sides too much, but instead accepts them as part of who they are. They know nobody is perfect, and don't try to be either." The description could be continued much more.

However, in Finland there's a strong culture, that if you are a happy person with healthy self-esteem and enjoy your life, you are not allowed to show it public, because those who are not happy or satisfied with their lives (which seems to be most of Finnish people), will feel envy. In a case you were a happy and satisfied to your life, you must pretend you're not, otherwise you're a selfish person. Saying aloud things like "I'm happy about my life" or "I'm talented at writing" are something that you're just not allowed to say in Finland. Instead it's acceptable and even almost recommended to count publicly all the bad things about your life or say "I'm so bad writer, I will never success in my dreams", even if you weren't bad in anybody's opinion.

I know how many of you not-Finnish readers must feel or react to this. It's absurd that the society encourages people to insecurity instead of courage. Then they wonder why so many teenagers, adults and even way too many 60+ people make suicides. We're never teach to appreciate the things we do have. I had to go to therapist twice a week for 9 years and actually _learn_ how to be happy about myself and my life, and appreciate the things I have. And when I finally did gain healthy self-esteem, the society started to push me to go back to my bad self-esteem, because my happiness and self-confidence was found arrogant and selfish. Thankfully, part of healthy self-esteem is to not let those things effect to your self-esteem. :)

But this atmosphere of insecurity is the main reason why I find some other cultures much more easy to relate to. Those cultures where smiling to strangers doesn't make you a freak or an asshole, but a normal nice person. Where you can kiss even new acquaintances on a cheek without getting a charge of sexual harassment. Where you can say aloud "I'm so happy today because my life is going well, as I have the greatest friends and family, and I believe in myself and my future" without being counted as a selfish peron, or "Hey, I like you, you're an interesting person and even though we don't know well, I feel this connection to you and would like to know you better" without being counted as trying to hit on the person you tell this. I really miss this side about Mexico.

Back to the original subject

Well, this wasn't exactly what I was originally planning to write this much about. xD What I was planning to write about was how usual it has become that people think they have the right to say what other people are allowed to write in Facebook. This concerns all people, not only Finns.

Many people say that it's not ok to talk about your children or pets in FB because they hate children or pets. Some people say that you're not allowed to write about any little things about your everyday life because they find it useless and boring. For example, "I can't wait to the thing I ordered to come to my post office, I'm so excited!" Other people instead say that you're not allowed to write anything deep ("Today I remembered what really is important in the life. I feel so happy.") or speak out about current things happening in the world, for example lately the Pussy Riot situation.

It amazes me how people seriously think they have the right to limit what someone says. Imagine this in real world. Matt and Mary go for a coffee together.
MATT: How are you?
MARY: Well, not too well, I had to take my dog to vet yesterday because...
MATT: Stop!! You're not allowed to talk about pets! Change the subject!
MARY: Well, otherwise mostly I've been at home with Jack. He goes back to day care center next...
MATT: You're not allowed to talk about your child!! I don't like it! You must talk about something I want you to talk about.

If there's someone whose things you don't want to read about, then why the f**k do you have them as a FB friend? If you can't tolerate anything outside your personal interests, then you have serious issues. I personally dislike baby subjects, but it would never come to my mind to go to say to a mother that she's not allowed to talk about her child. No matter how much I disliked children, it doesn't give me the right to deny her from telling about the most important little person of her life. What kind of asshole would I be, huh? The world doesn't go around mine or anybody else's belly button.

So, if you dislike their subjects, delete the person. It's just that simple. I've had three times the situation, that I found my FB friend to be really strongly racist and homophobe. I know I could never feel that kind of a person as a friend in my real life, so why to keep them in FB, as their comments bother me? I simply deleted them. Two of them were sending me hateful private messages after that, but it just made me more sure about them. Why would an openly homophobic person want to "sincerely" be friends with me, a lesbian? And why would I want to have such person allowed to read my profile? I wouldn't tell those people about my life IRL either, why would I allow them to read my profile?

That example is of course quite different as someone who just doesn't like "deep thoughts" or babies. But still, ask it: if you really feel bothered by somebody's interests and life, why do you want to be FB friends with them? Would you be friend with this person IRL? Instead of whining to them and trying to control their freedom of speech, just delete them and the problem is solved. I'm sure it'll be a win-win situation for both of you.

Letters of My Life: F goes for Friendships

The most important thing in my life: Friends. ^_^ I'm the kind of person who comes easily along with 98% of all people. However, I choose the actual friends really carefully. Mostly it happens unconscious, by intuition. I see and feel quite soon after meeting, if this person could be the kind of person who I could have as a friend. It's pure intuition, but it works almost always.

The reason it's easy for me to come along with all kinds of people is that I don't have the need to make that much of a noise about myself in new groups. I'm the person who is usually aside, watching and reacting, enjoying situations through listening. My participation as an introvert is very "silent", if you based your opinion of me only to your hearing sense. Also, the more distant I find people, the less I talk in the group situations.

On the other hand the distance is good, as it helps to come along with people. On the other hand, those who like their friends loud and extroverted rarely feel any connection to me. I'm just some "mysterious" person who's always there, but who they probably find difficult to approach. I assume. Though sometimes there are seasons I feel it'd be nice to make friends more easily, in the end I find this way to be better. To me it's not about the amount, but the quality. Like they say. ;)

Like I mentioned, the more distant I feel the other people and their subjects of conversation, the more silent I am. On the other hand, if I end up to a group that my intuition finds weirdly close, I might be actually completely different - way more talkative. However, it's obviously not that simple, as each group has also those who represent the opposite feeling. For example, it sometimes makes me sad that in otherwise distant group there is a person or two who I get the vibes of "closeness", but as to me it's the whole group atmosphere that effects to my talkativeness, I once in a while have this feeling that something important is slipping away. In groups where I feel more connection, the one or few distant people don't make any difference. If you read my earlier post about introverts and extroverts, you know already that it's not about shyness. However, I don't quite have the perfect word to describe how the group atmosphere effects. Like the group was either some kind of a cliff or a bridge between me and the other person. I hope you know what I mean. If not, then, no can do. x)

Though all my friends are a bunch of completely different kind of people with almost nothing in common, after thinking about it a lot I've noticed there's still some mental and social attributes I can find from most of my friends.

• Very strong open-mindedness. I have many attributes that are different from the masses - in goods and bads -  and many people seem to find it easily uncomfortable, though it wouldn't need to be.
• Somehow all my closest friends seem to have extremely strong sense of nurturing and caring about people and other animals. Also they're extremely sensitive. I love sensitive people, who still are confident about their sensitiveness instead of considering it as a weakness.
• My friends are also very contemplative. At least most of them - if not all - spend huge amount of time by thinking about the world and their own life, wanting to become conscious and learn more about the world.  At times this increases less or more mental pain in them, but at the same time it makes them very strong people who all have their personal way of life without caring too much what the society demands from them.
• Notable part of my friends are geeks way or another, whether it's about video games, books, or something else. Not all, though.

Those are the things that come on my mind now. There must be more, though. I was planning to write also about what kind of friend I am to my friends. However, my hand hurts because I've been nerding around all day. ;) Besides, I don't think that would be much interesting. If you disagree, mention about it in the comments, please. Or if you're my friend, feel free to describe me. It'd be super interesting and fun. I can take criticism too, mwahaha. ;) But write it with a name or a nick I can recognize you from, because I don't take any anonymous trolling.