What You're Allowed to Talk in Facebook and What You're Not + Something About Finnish Social Culture

I read today a Finnish article about "unpublished research" that says, that Facebook makes people narcissistic because "they write 'too much' about themselves in FB" and because "they tell so much good things about their life and their personality".

At first. Narcissistic personality disorder is a serious mental disorder that you don't just suddenly get because you used Facebook. It's something that you grow to be since early childhood. Using the term has become a dangerous fashion phenomena - it's a term for everyone one considers as an asshole. Everybody who doesn't please you is narcissistic.

--If you want to read only the FB subject, skip this part until the subheading--

The real experts of psychology and psychiatry define healthy self-esteem somewhat like this: "A person who is able to recognize their good sides, know them and appreciate them. They recognize their not-so-good sides too, but they don't worry those sides too much, but instead accepts them as part of who they are. They know nobody is perfect, and don't try to be either." The description could be continued much more.

However, in Finland there's a strong culture, that if you are a happy person with healthy self-esteem and enjoy your life, you are not allowed to show it public, because those who are not happy or satisfied with their lives (which seems to be most of Finnish people), will feel envy. In a case you were a happy and satisfied to your life, you must pretend you're not, otherwise you're a selfish person. Saying aloud things like "I'm happy about my life" or "I'm talented at writing" are something that you're just not allowed to say in Finland. Instead it's acceptable and even almost recommended to count publicly all the bad things about your life or say "I'm so bad writer, I will never success in my dreams", even if you weren't bad in anybody's opinion.

I know how many of you not-Finnish readers must feel or react to this. It's absurd that the society encourages people to insecurity instead of courage. Then they wonder why so many teenagers, adults and even way too many 60+ people make suicides. We're never teach to appreciate the things we do have. I had to go to therapist twice a week for 9 years and actually _learn_ how to be happy about myself and my life, and appreciate the things I have. And when I finally did gain healthy self-esteem, the society started to push me to go back to my bad self-esteem, because my happiness and self-confidence was found arrogant and selfish. Thankfully, part of healthy self-esteem is to not let those things effect to your self-esteem. :)

But this atmosphere of insecurity is the main reason why I find some other cultures much more easy to relate to. Those cultures where smiling to strangers doesn't make you a freak or an asshole, but a normal nice person. Where you can kiss even new acquaintances on a cheek without getting a charge of sexual harassment. Where you can say aloud "I'm so happy today because my life is going well, as I have the greatest friends and family, and I believe in myself and my future" without being counted as a selfish peron, or "Hey, I like you, you're an interesting person and even though we don't know well, I feel this connection to you and would like to know you better" without being counted as trying to hit on the person you tell this. I really miss this side about Mexico.

Back to the original subject

Well, this wasn't exactly what I was originally planning to write this much about. xD What I was planning to write about was how usual it has become that people think they have the right to say what other people are allowed to write in Facebook. This concerns all people, not only Finns.

Many people say that it's not ok to talk about your children or pets in FB because they hate children or pets. Some people say that you're not allowed to write about any little things about your everyday life because they find it useless and boring. For example, "I can't wait to the thing I ordered to come to my post office, I'm so excited!" Other people instead say that you're not allowed to write anything deep ("Today I remembered what really is important in the life. I feel so happy.") or speak out about current things happening in the world, for example lately the Pussy Riot situation.

It amazes me how people seriously think they have the right to limit what someone says. Imagine this in real world. Matt and Mary go for a coffee together.
MATT: How are you?
MARY: Well, not too well, I had to take my dog to vet yesterday because...
MATT: Stop!! You're not allowed to talk about pets! Change the subject!
MARY: Well, otherwise mostly I've been at home with Jack. He goes back to day care center next...
MATT: You're not allowed to talk about your child!! I don't like it! You must talk about something I want you to talk about.

If there's someone whose things you don't want to read about, then why the f**k do you have them as a FB friend? If you can't tolerate anything outside your personal interests, then you have serious issues. I personally dislike baby subjects, but it would never come to my mind to go to say to a mother that she's not allowed to talk about her child. No matter how much I disliked children, it doesn't give me the right to deny her from telling about the most important little person of her life. What kind of asshole would I be, huh? The world doesn't go around mine or anybody else's belly button.

So, if you dislike their subjects, delete the person. It's just that simple. I've had three times the situation, that I found my FB friend to be really strongly racist and homophobe. I know I could never feel that kind of a person as a friend in my real life, so why to keep them in FB, as their comments bother me? I simply deleted them. Two of them were sending me hateful private messages after that, but it just made me more sure about them. Why would an openly homophobic person want to "sincerely" be friends with me, a lesbian? And why would I want to have such person allowed to read my profile? I wouldn't tell those people about my life IRL either, why would I allow them to read my profile?

That example is of course quite different as someone who just doesn't like "deep thoughts" or babies. But still, ask it: if you really feel bothered by somebody's interests and life, why do you want to be FB friends with them? Would you be friend with this person IRL? Instead of whining to them and trying to control their freedom of speech, just delete them and the problem is solved. I'm sure it'll be a win-win situation for both of you.

The Main Ingredients on a Path of Inner Growth

[This writing is connected to my latest post C is for Consciousness.]

The main ingredients you need on every path of inner growth:

1. Have patience towards yourself. No inner change happens in one night. Most of them take years. Also have patience towards those around you who might find your inner change too slow and don't understand that those things won't happen at the same second you decide you want to change. Decision is only the first step, and actually the easiest one. But nobody else can decide your rhythm but yourself. Rush can even ruin it all.
2. Be honest to yourself. Even with the things you didn't want or like to admit about yourself. Nobody said it was supposed to be easy or fun. It never is. Until the good result comes - and it's always worth the struggle!
3. Love yourself. Most of personal problems come from some sort of hole in self esteem, which comes from inability to sincerely love yourself. And we talk about the caring kind of love that a mother would feel towards her child, or a best friend towards her best friend. Not "oh I'm so pretty with my red hair"-superficial love.
4. Accept failure. There comes times when you take many steps backwards. But the failure is permanent only if you give up. Accept the steps backward, breathe, eat an ice cream, and continue again towards your goal.

Hi, I'm Elise! But who am I?

While updating the description of myself for this blog, I realized that I always start all my profiles by introducing myself as a student of film making. This time something in me whispered that it's not right.

Somehow in the Finnish culture one's career has become the main thing we identify ourselves and each others. It has become such a subconscious thing that I haven't even thought it before. And I know it's highly common in Finland and probably in many other (capitalistic) countries too.

So, as I'm many other ways disgusted by materialistic life style, noticing this habit in myself made me want to change it. But it wasn't as easy as I thought it'd be.

When I asked myself the basic question who am I, huge amount of words and definitions popped up to my mind. But when I tried to start my profile text with them, I noticed they all felt somehow wrong...

Hi! I'm Elise, 25 years old eclectic pagan.... Ok, this sounds like I'm about to tell about my religion next, and a lot of it in the posts of this blog. Which, I definitely don't want to do. It's one of the most important things in my life, and at the same time it's one of the rare things I share only with few carefully chosen people.

Hi! I'm Elise, 25 years old wife --... This sounds like I was a no-life house wife, who is going to write every 2nd hour about how I washed the dishes and waited my beloved to come home.

Hi! I'm Elise, 25 years old photographer... Doesn't this sound like I was a pro, with my own studio or something? I wish I was, but I'm not. It's a precious hobby for me, but is it proper to start introducing myself with it?

Hi! I'm Elise, 25 years old girl who has three cats... Iiiiiih kitties! I love them, but this blog does neither tell about them. (At least not so much.) At this point all the pet blog haters would've vanished like a fart on a windy desert.

Hi! I'm Elise, 25 years old friend of the greatest people on Earth... Hey, I actually really dig this! But does it give a wrong idea of the blog, once again?

It caused me a headache for a moment before I decided that I won't give a shit anymore about it. In the end, I'm all these things and so much more. In future, I should start introducing myself every time with a different first definition. Film student is not any more or less important than the others.

Is there such thing as 100% straight or 100% gay?

This is an old post from my Tumblr blog, which I deleted few months ago. Written on Autumn 2011.

Photo: See-ming Lee / WikiCommons

No. I’m highly convinced that everyone of us has a little bit of attraction to both genders. It doesn’t mean that everybody was 100% bisexual. But there is so much gray area between straight and gay, that thinking yourself 100% one of these is very black and white thinking. Let’s explain little more:

Just like anima and animus, we all have our straight and homosexual sides. A lesbian can find certain kind of men attractive, but could never be dating them. The attraction is real, but only attraction is not enough for a healthy relationship. A straight man can find their best buddy so sweet that sometimes “what if…” comes up to their mind.

Actually the reason why some straight people are so homophobic, is that they don’t accept their inner gay-side. By accepting homosexuals they would have to face this part of themselves, and as they are too afraid of it, they transform their fear to hate. Which, in the end, is nothing but cheating their own selves with expense of others.
What makes, imo, the difference whether you call yourself straight, bi, or lesbian comes from the thing if you are able to have a full relationship with one or both genders.

What I consider as a full relationship is when you are able to be in love (mental) and at the same time you feel physical attraction and are able to have sex with your partner. Love without physical attraction, or opposite, is an incomplete relationship and cannot lead to a long time happy relationship.

Personally I'm able to have a mental crush on men, but the big issue is that I don’t find a male body attractive at all (only the head sometimes xD). Therefore thinking about sex with a man feels really unnatural to me. As opposite, with a woman I can have all the parts: physical attraction and pure love.

So I consider myself a lesbian, who has a hint of bisexual in herself. Or like I once said: "In theory I'm a bisexual, but practically I'm a lesbian."