Consciousness. The word which can be understood in so many ways. To me the most important meaning for this word is consciousness about what's going on in my own mind. However, without excluding any other meanings of Consciousness, whether it was spiritual, social, rational, or any other.
Consciousness of my own mind has played an extremely important role in my life. Most of that hasn't been nice. Actually at worst it can be even haunting and horrible to become conscious about certain things of yourself, especially the darkest sides. (Yes, everybody without exceptions has them, it's all about being aware of them.) As I used to go to therapy for years and though the few first years were horrible (yet extremely self-educating), I became kinda addicted to keep myself conscious about all the things that goes inside my mind - liked them or not.
To give you an example: When I started to realize in the start of my relationship with Chris that I was an extremely (unhealthy) jealous person, it was really hard for me to accept. Who'd want to admit something like "I'm sickly jealous person who makes my girlfriend feel bad and untrustworthy - and I must stop, instead of putting pressure on her"? Denying it was an easy and more pleasant way at starting. But as I became more and more "the jealous girlfriend monster", I realized our relationship was at stake if I didn't figure out what's the thing causing my jealousy and work hard to change it.
It was extremely difficult for me to deal with it especially because my greatest vice is Pride. It's not easy for me to admit I'm wrong even if it was obvious that I was. However, my personal Pride was less important than my love for Chris. So I kicked my ass. Hard. I found out that behind of my jealousy there was my great lack of trust towards all people in general, therefore including Chris. And the lack of trust towards other people was actually deeply connected with my lack of trusting to myself.
Well, it's a long story about how I managed it, but it took about a year of active conscious self-searching and concrete practice when I was finally free. Yes, I use the word free because only after I sincerely stopped feeling jealous, I realized how much I had wasted energy on pessimistic and passive-aggressive way of thinking. The quality of my life got way better, and the happiness has increased x10.
Though I won't spend hours writing about how I did it, I can tell that in the end all the things I learned can be crystallized in these sentences: "I have no rational reasons to doubt her loyalty. And if she'd still end up cheating me, it'd be her loss, as it'd just reveal me that I was too good for her. Then, I'd only be free to continue searching for someone much better."
It takes a lot to learn to really believe in sentences like that, if you used to be a person who didn't trust really anyone. Knowing that isn't enough, but you honestly have to believe in it too. Otherwise it could at worst become only a tool you use to blackmail your partners, and inside you'd be just as dark, anxious and insecure as always before.
Sometimes we still talk with Chris about how I used to be, and we've both been so happy about my change. It's difficult to believe that I really used to be like that. Like it was someone else. Sometimes I even feel a little bit weird about the fact that nowadays I feel no jealousy at all. Like. Never. Swear it through my own life. Always remember: the fact is, that in the end the greatest thing that drives a lover to cheat is the lack of trust by their other half. Being jealous is like pushing your loved one away.
That was only one example of the hundreds times when my will of being self-conscious has helped me. Such succesfull experiences when repeated, make you easily kinda addicted for consciousness. It's a long lasting drug-alike euphoric feeling, when you finally beat the monster that was haunting you for years - or even your whole life - until that beautiful day when you realize that you're free.
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